ねむれない よる

 ねむれない よる. 

Nemurenai yoru. Sleepless night.

The phrase lingered in my ears a long time as I watched the drips of the rain shower outside the window of my favorite spot in the school. Ironically enough, I just had the longest, uninterrupted sleep for months now. Last night, I slept for 9 hours without a single care in the world. The afternoon session got suspended an hour earlier than their official time out, my students bugged me in the GC if there will be classes tomorrow, my family's rearranging the whole fucking house and yet, I slept through it all. But, despite having the best sleep in the world for months, I still felt like I was in a sleepless night.

The truth is, I cried to sleep last night—just like the previous nights since my kitten died. To tell you honestly, my nights haven't been at peace. Most nights I cry myself to sleep or starve myself to death. Haha OA. I'm not proud of it. I know I should take care of myself and health is wealth but somehow, I always come last to my list. But, my loved ones make it a point that they're at the bottom of my list. Come to think of it, my career always comes first and they suffer the burnt end of it. I don't want them to feel like that but, hey, my work gives me joy. I'm sorry if I can't have my body in two pieces. Please don't think I'm whining. It's just that my work is something that I love, and I love to see its success. But, this love for work takes toll on me so sometimes when it's family time, I'm to exhausted to even register their stories to me. I know, I'm shit. But I'm doing my best out here. Why can't we have all things we worked so hard for? 

Another one of my reasons for staying up at night was my insecurity in terms of teaching. I was never the best teacher. I could be the best in content but in pedagogy? Nu uh. I admit, I lack the makings of a great teacher. I'm not even sure if I could be a good teacher. I know, I don't have to be insecure because I'm doing my job just fine. But, I don't think it translate well enough to people. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think it would feel great to be seen. You know, I find it funny and almost stupid that I am aware that I crave for validation but I run from it. Anyway, deep in my heart, when I see teachers having a super fun time with their students and having their shit together while I am in shambles, I feel inadequate. This is actually... most of the time. I don't know. Haha. But, life goes on. Tomorrow, I will pretend to be okay when I enter the classroom per usual. 

Last but not the least, I worry about my boyfriend. I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt like there's something wrong with him. With us. He did not even say goodnight or I love you back. I felt like I am unwanted. I sent him messages and waited for his reply to no avail. And so I slept through the pain. I think one of the most searing pains are that of being there and knowing what's wrong and being unable to do anything because the other person prefers you to stay away. Whenever we are apart like this, sleeping through the hours felt like sleepless nights.

However, there are still small joys today. My last two classes were fun and my students were excited when I said that Nihongo classes will be held this year. I saw a familiar yellow umbrella in the corridor. I think I was quite productive with paperwork today too. I also helped my parents to pack up their things. My boyfriend finally talked to me today and I feel like we're okay today. 

Tonight was another sleepless night. Quite literally because it's already 10:01 PM. But at least tonight is a lot lighter than the last. What is long, uninterrupted sleep with a heavy heart to a late and short sleep but happier, right?

P. S. Proof of life that I'm still working at this almost red eye hour.