There are Things that Money Can't Still Buy

 One of the most classic and profound quotes there ever was is from Antoine de Saint-Exupery's work, "Le Petit Prince" or more fondly known as "The Little Prince". The quote goes, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." When reading this story as a child, I felt like it did not make any sense and I felt that it was incoherent. It turns out, I was just lacking real life experience with which to connect these nuances from the book. 

When I was in my first year of college, I had my first love. He was so fascinated with this book that he had this as his bio, as his cover photo, and he even gave me the MOST BEAUTIFUL BOOKMARK I've ever had in my life. Sadly, I lost it somehow (Maybe it's the universe telling to move on without any strings attached haha). Through him, I was able to understand the meaning of the story and experience it. To be fair, the book has a lot of quotable quotes and this one's not my favorite. But, it's undeniable that it has the most impact out of all. 

Why am I having a recollection of "The Little Prince"? Tonight, I snapped at my boyfriend. I was ranting to him about my ST and my students and generally things about work. The thing is that, people are not taking their parts seriously nowadays. My ST keeps on being late,skipping her class observations, and sleeping at the back of the classroom. My students keep on slacking around and not submitting their school work. DepEd keeps on focusing on menial tasks and nitpicking instead of bringing real change. Politicians and fucking DPWH contractors corrupts funds that can be used in helping our country. I was so pent up and frustrated with things. I was explaining to him that my ST's demeanor is not like a 4th year college student who will be a full-fledged teacher in a few months. I said, she can't keep doing this because if she continues this way, she'll only become one of the teachers whom the kids don't deserve. Hearing that, my boyfriend replied, "E kasi di naman sya bayad dyan. May makukuha ba sya pag ginalingan nya?" (pertaining to not doing a good job because technically it's not required like doing the bare minimum only). I got so upset that I lashed out. I finally told him some things I've been keeping inside me because of the fear that it might upset him. I said not all things are measured by money. Sometimes we must do things because it's good, it's right. I'm not paying her to respect me or she's not paid or graded by being locked in at her work. But it's decency. It's honorable. It's right. I was so upset that I said that his mindset is like the corrupt politicians that he so hate. I called their bullshit that when they have the power to do what they can and do more because they have the influence but they don't do it because they don't have kickback, that is our society's CANCER. I called him cancer. Straight to his face. Hindi lahat ng bagay kelangan tapalan ng pera para gawin nang maayos. This time, I was not afraid to upset him. I felt liberated. Finally I told him what I wanted to say for the longest time he's been demeaning my work. 

He quieted and apologized after this incident. Of course, it's not mature of me to just let it pass without addressing it. I want us to be okay but I don't want to be a pushover. I hugged him and firmly told him that I give high regards to my profession. The system is shit but the work we do is honorable. I said I feel frustrated and offended by him sometimes because he demeans my work. I said to him, "Siguro dahil matagal ka nang di nagtuturo at nawalan ka na ng amor sa pagtuturo kaya hindi mo na ko naiintindihan. Pero ang trabaho ko ay marangal. Hindi lahat kelangan i-monetize para gawin." There are things in life, essential and meaningful things, that cannot and will never be bought by money. Sometimes you do it because it feels good to do it, because it's right to do so. He once again apologized. 

I hope he really got the message this time. There was a time that we almost broke up because of my boundaries being crossed. I drew a line again today. I'm hoping to dear God he got the message because I cannot marry someone who cannot understand my core values. Nevertheless, I still carry this hope with me because just like me, his former self was a dreamer. I just wish he still have that in him. 

P. S. I saw this photo on Twitter/X and I think it resonates with what I experienced tonight. Haha I hope I was clear enough. Did I do okay?

I Almost Never Experienced This

        This holiday, I went on a hike (or trek? Don't really know the difference haha) with a group of strangers. I had my friend with me but it's his friend group so I don't entirely see them as my friends. They're more closer to strangers than friends. Anyway, it was super exhausting but fun. I got to try a lot of things I haven't tried before and will never try if I'm with other people. I was with a group and alone at the same time so it was kinda nice. 

         While I was doing those things, I thought to myself: I almost never experienced this. As you all know from my previous entries, I tried to off myself a week before my birthday this year. If I were successful, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be able to see that view and to jump from those falls. It was weird. Haha. I don't feel any sadness or worry. I just feel strange like a simple turn of events can change the course of a lifetime. 

         Here's a picture of me, smiling at the summit with the scar on my wrist. Cheers! 🥂 

The Metro Gets Flooded Once Again

 During the latter parts of July, our region (and several other regions, especially in the North) were struck by torrential rains and a storm. July has been a perennial rainy month so it's anticipated, but the damage was way out of our expectation.

For the first time in years, our city was declared a State of Calamity. It was truly scary because the water rose up so high in such a short amount of time. This is ironic because this year, our city boasted that there were undergoing flood measures. So much for the plans, eh? 

Every rainy season, Filipinos' resiliency is tested. The narrative never changes: Filipinos are courageous and positive despite the harsh conditions and that the politicians are doing their best to counter the aftermath of the deluge. Fucking politicians. If they have an inch of empathy and compassion, true compassion, for their countrymen, they will use their brains to work out a solution. However, as we all know, that's not the case. The more resilient the Filipinos are, the more avaricious these politicians get. And so, the cycle goes on. 

I just hope we're playing the long game here. As our youth turn into adults, I hope they see the bullshittery of it all and remove the rose-tinted idolatry of their forebears. Be more critical. Be firm. Demand better living conditions! 

P. S. This photo was from the first day of the inclement weather condition. It's already the fifth day right now. Hopefully it gets better soon.

The Day I Returned to Alcohol

         For five years, I have withstood the call of alcohol. Despite the stress, anxiety, depression, and attempts to end my life, I was able to say no to alcohol. Avoiding liquor had been one of my doctors' prescriptions. Anxiety disorder? Avoid alcohol. Major depression? Avoid alcohol. Uric acid? Avoid alcohol. One would think it's stupid to return to the intoxicating embrace of alcohol after everything I've been through. But, when everyone else failed to show up, only alcohol remained. 

         I am not an alcoholic, nor am I proud of the prospect of becoming one. I am known by many to hate the feeling of getting drunk and it lasting till morning. So the typical question people would ask me is why I turn to alcohol when I'm feeling down? Do I want to double down on the sadness? Do I wanna simulate death? Haha. The answer is, I think alcohol numbs my brain just right to forget the baggage I am carrying. I believe alcohol helps me sleep well. Not always. Just when I need it. 

P. S. This is me feeling tipsy already.

The Universe Wants to Tell You...

I think the universe has its way to tell you that it will not let you bleed out to death. When you're having a bad day, when it feels like nothing's going right, when life feels like it's in shambles, little things happen to put a smile on your face. It's not obvious because, of course, you're enveloped in a cloud of negativity. But, when you look at the teeny tiny details, you'll see. 

Today, I felt a little sad. Which is normal for me, I guess. But this feeling of weight on my chest is spanning for weeks now and I gotta admit, I'm not having a good time. But, as I was doing my errands before going home, I encountered many events around me that made me smile a little. When I went to Watsons, there were no other people than me. The transaction was very fast and the store was so quiet. It gave me peace. When I went to the market to buy my ingredients, there was this one little boy, around 3 to 4 years old who greeted a stray dog with "Hi, doggie! Hello ang laki laki mo hello sayo" in a very cute voice. I'm not usually fond of kids but this one's very darn cute. Lastly, after I got off the tricycle, a tricycle driver saw me with a lot of heavy bags in my hand. He said, "Sumabay ka na andami mong dala". I saved around 10 minutes of walking with a heavy load because he let me ride his tricycle. 

So, when I was feeling down, it's like the universe sent me these occurrences to remind me that I'm not the punching bag of the world. I think it's important for us to remember that we have to be grateful, especially during trying times. Being grateful is not for others or to show others that you appreciate them. Being grateful is for us—to see the beauty of the world in the most mundane of things. 

Ciao! 

P. S. I was watching kittens though the window of our school corridor earlier this morning. Ah, what little joy it is to see kittens playing!

Sun, Keep on Shining

 Sun, are you there? 

Darkness falls, cicadas hum here so loud,

Though silence envelops all around.

Sun, are you there? 

Rain pounds like fists upon my roof,

Yet your steady presence echoes, a silent proof.

Though skies conceal your bright and warm gaze, 

I know you're there; I'm certain and unfazed. 

And when you cast a thought my way,

Know I've already held you in my thoughts today. 

I dedicate this to a person who reminds me of the sun. It might be rainy these days but it doesn't mean that the sun is gone. You'll shine in your own terms. 

All's Well That Ends Well

 

Today, I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe properly for twenty minutes. I tried sitting up straight, sprawled on the table, buried my face onto my palm, walked around the library, paced back and forth from the library to the CR, stayed in the CR cubicle, looked at my reflection in the mirror and tried to talk to myself to calm down. I literally tried everything to no avail. Went to my classes and discussed while having just an ounce of the oxygen that I should breathe. 

I feel like a fish out of water.

That's the only thought that came into my mind multiple times during discussion but I carried on. My friend says it was a success. He watched me from the back door of my classroom. I guess the acting classes in college theatre paid off well haha. 

I thought I wouldn't survive this day but, hey, I'm still alive. I think our trip to the DO was healing. It was a different variable from the usual routine so I think it rearranged the stimuli. Plus, the stories helped a lot in taking off my mind from my thoughts. The people at the DO were surprisingly in a good mood too. One of my papers had the wrong format but it was miraculously accepted. Some comments of them were weird though, but all in all, the experience was good. I also ordered my favorite combo from my favorite café. I was also able to finish changing my guitar's strings. I was so jolly when I got home even though the person in my house greeted me nonchalantly I just brimmed with smiles haha. 

I thank all the people I interacted with today. I love my workmates and work doesn't seem to be a burden with their help! 

Good ending!

P. S. I hate the date tomorrow. If somebody greets me I'll fricking flip my shit.