The Day I Returned to Alcohol

         For five years, I have withstood the call of alcohol. Despite the stress, anxiety, depression, and attempts to end my life, I was able to say no to alcohol. Avoiding liquor had been one of my doctors' prescriptions. Anxiety disorder? Avoid alcohol. Major depression? Avoid alcohol. Uric acid? Avoid alcohol. One would think it's stupid to return to the intoxicating embrace of alcohol after everything I've been through. But, when everyone else failed to show up, only alcohol remained. 

         I am not an alcoholic, nor am I proud of the prospect of becoming one. I am known by many to hate the feeling of getting drunk and it lasting till morning. So the typical question people would ask me is why I turn to alcohol when I'm feeling down? Do I want to double down on the sadness? Do I wanna simulate death? Haha. The answer is, I think alcohol numbs my brain just right to forget the baggage I am carrying. I believe alcohol helps me sleep well. Not always. Just when I need it. 

P. S. This is me feeling tipsy already.

The Universe Wants to Tell You...

I think the universe has its way to tell you that it will not let you bleed out to death. When you're having a bad day, when it feels like nothing's going right, when life feels like it's in shambles, little things happen to put a smile on your face. It's not obvious because, of course, you're enveloped in a cloud of negativity. But, when you look at the teeny tiny details, you'll see. 

Today, I felt a little sad. Which is normal for me, I guess. But this feeling of weight on my chest is spanning for weeks now and I gotta admit, I'm not having a good time. But, as I was doing my errands before going home, I encountered many events around me that made me smile a little. When I went to Watsons, there were no other people than me. The transaction was very fast and the store was so quiet. It gave me peace. When I went to the market to buy my ingredients, there was this one little boy, around 3 to 4 years old who greeted a stray dog with "Hi, doggie! Hello ang laki laki mo hello sayo" in a very cute voice. I'm not usually fond of kids but this one's very darn cute. Lastly, after I got off the tricycle, a tricycle driver saw me with a lot of heavy bags in my hand. He said, "Sumabay ka na andami mong dala". I saved around 10 minutes of walking with a heavy load because he let me ride his tricycle. 

So, when I was feeling down, it's like the universe sent me these occurrences to remind me that I'm not the punching bag of the world. I think it's important for us to remember that we have to be grateful, especially during trying times. Being grateful is not for others or to show others that you appreciate them. Being grateful is for us—to see the beauty of the world in the most mundane of things. 

Ciao! 

P. S. I was watching kittens though the window of our school corridor earlier this morning. Ah, what little joy it is to see kittens playing!

Sun, Keep on Shining

 Sun, are you there? 

Darkness falls, cicadas hum here so loud,

Though silence envelops all around.

Sun, are you there? 

Rain pounds like fists upon my roof,

Yet your steady presence echoes, a silent proof.

Though skies conceal your bright and warm gaze, 

I know you're there; I'm certain and unfazed. 

And when you cast a thought my way,

Know I've already held you in my thoughts today. 

I dedicate this to a person who reminds me of the sun. It might be rainy these days but it doesn't mean that the sun is gone. You'll shine in your own terms. 

All's Well That Ends Well

 

Today, I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe properly for twenty minutes. I tried sitting up straight, sprawled on the table, buried my face onto my palm, walked around the library, paced back and forth from the library to the CR, stayed in the CR cubicle, looked at my reflection in the mirror and tried to talk to myself to calm down. I literally tried everything to no avail. Went to my classes and discussed while having just an ounce of the oxygen that I should breathe. 

I feel like a fish out of water.

That's the only thought that came into my mind multiple times during discussion but I carried on. My friend says it was a success. He watched me from the back door of my classroom. I guess the acting classes in college theatre paid off well haha. 

I thought I wouldn't survive this day but, hey, I'm still alive. I think our trip to the DO was healing. It was a different variable from the usual routine so I think it rearranged the stimuli. Plus, the stories helped a lot in taking off my mind from my thoughts. The people at the DO were surprisingly in a good mood too. One of my papers had the wrong format but it was miraculously accepted. Some comments of them were weird though, but all in all, the experience was good. I also ordered my favorite combo from my favorite café. I was also able to finish changing my guitar's strings. I was so jolly when I got home even though the person in my house greeted me nonchalantly I just brimmed with smiles haha. 

I thank all the people I interacted with today. I love my workmates and work doesn't seem to be a burden with their help! 

Good ending!

P. S. I hate the date tomorrow. If somebody greets me I'll fricking flip my shit. 

The Quenching

You took your steps and from my core

You drew the metal from the ore; 

With smelting fire I lost composure,

Peace unfound, a ceaseless displeasure. 

Pain seared like steel tempered in heat,

But the quenching has yet to ease;

Amidst the breeze in the cloudy peaks,

Iron's reborn though embers sleep.

P. S. I really wanted to put a specific photo here that inspired this poem but I haven't gotten the permission from the owner so... I think this will do. Haha 

ねむれない よる

 ねむれない よる. 

Nemurenai yoru. Sleepless night.

The phrase lingered in my ears a long time as I watched the drips of the rain shower outside the window of my favorite spot in the school. Ironically enough, I just had the longest, uninterrupted sleep for months now. Last night, I slept for 9 hours without a single care in the world. The afternoon session got suspended an hour earlier than their official time out, my students bugged me in the GC if there will be classes tomorrow, my family's rearranging the whole fucking house and yet, I slept through it all. But, despite having the best sleep in the world for months, I still felt like I was in a sleepless night.

The truth is, I cried to sleep last night—just like the previous nights since my kitten died. To tell you honestly, my nights haven't been at peace. Most nights I cry myself to sleep or starve myself to death. Haha OA. I'm not proud of it. I know I should take care of myself and health is wealth but somehow, I always come last to my list. But, my loved ones make it a point that they're at the bottom of my list. Come to think of it, my career always comes first and they suffer the burnt end of it. I don't want them to feel like that but, hey, my work gives me joy. I'm sorry if I can't have my body in two pieces. Please don't think I'm whining. It's just that my work is something that I love, and I love to see its success. But, this love for work takes toll on me so sometimes when it's family time, I'm to exhausted to even register their stories to me. I know, I'm shit. But I'm doing my best out here. Why can't we have all things we worked so hard for? 

Another one of my reasons for staying up at night was my insecurity in terms of teaching. I was never the best teacher. I could be the best in content but in pedagogy? Nu uh. I admit, I lack the makings of a great teacher. I'm not even sure if I could be a good teacher. I know, I don't have to be insecure because I'm doing my job just fine. But, I don't think it translate well enough to people. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think it would feel great to be seen. You know, I find it funny and almost stupid that I am aware that I crave for validation but I run from it. Anyway, deep in my heart, when I see teachers having a super fun time with their students and having their shit together while I am in shambles, I feel inadequate. This is actually... most of the time. I don't know. Haha. But, life goes on. Tomorrow, I will pretend to be okay when I enter the classroom per usual. 

Last but not the least, I worry about my boyfriend. I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt like there's something wrong with him. With us. He did not even say goodnight or I love you back. I felt like I am unwanted. I sent him messages and waited for his reply to no avail. And so I slept through the pain. I think one of the most searing pains are that of being there and knowing what's wrong and being unable to do anything because the other person prefers you to stay away. Whenever we are apart like this, sleeping through the hours felt like sleepless nights.

However, there are still small joys today. My last two classes were fun and my students were excited when I said that Nihongo classes will be held this year. I saw a familiar yellow umbrella in the corridor. I think I was quite productive with paperwork today too. I also helped my parents to pack up their things. My boyfriend finally talked to me today and I feel like we're okay today. 

Tonight was another sleepless night. Quite literally because it's already 10:01 PM. But at least tonight is a lot lighter than the last. What is long, uninterrupted sleep with a heavy heart to a late and short sleep but happier, right?

P. S. Proof of life that I'm still working at this almost red eye hour.

Today I Ran in the Rain

  Rain is just a typical decoration in an ordinary June afternoon. And for someone who had the element of water in her name, I am not really fond of the inconveniences it brings to commuters like me. Although I like the weather because it is relaxing to look at and to listen to, there's nothing that I hate more than getting wet from the downpour and walking with my socks soaked from flooded streets on the way home. Whenever I get wet from the rain, I just can't help but to let out a sigh. 

However, my relationship with the rainy season hadn't been always this cold (see what I did there?). You know, the rain has always been special to me and my boyfriend. Once, there were instances where I was on a motorbike and would just laugh out loud while I feel the raindrops pricking my skin as we ride fast into the rainy night. There were also times that even though it's a tempest outside, we will still brave the weather because we need to make up after a fight. Most of all, I would never forget the first time he reached out to me to insinuate his feelings for me. It was a rainy night. I was exhausted and slept on a wet bench in a broken shed. He put his umbrella over me for a few minutes so that I could sleep without the drops waking me up. These were all beautiful memories so I guess the rain is not that bad. It's just that recently, I feel like it's not as good too. 

But today, I let my shoes be submerged underwater. I ran despite my socks sticking onto my skin like slippery leeches. I saw a familiar bright yellow umbrella in the crowd and ran towards it. I was thinking, "Why is this person walking too fast like there's a deadline?". Haha. But, I guess he's just really a speed walker by nature. I caught up to him and tapped on his shoulder. It was my dearest friend. For a split second, all the stories I found interesting and all the emotional baggage I'm carrying almost jumped out of my mouth but I restrained myself. I just felt like, somehow, he doesn't deserve to be the receiver of all my worries that weigh me down. I know he'd understand but I'm also aware that he has a baggage of his own. I think it would be mature of me to just carry on with myself as usual. The weight in my chest is kinda heavy but just seeing my friend was enough for now, and I think his bright yellow umbrella looked like the sun in the gray landscape. Funny how my boyfriend's umbrella back then was bright yellow too. I guess bright yellow umbrellas have a habit of saving me from being sad in the rain. 

And so, today I ran in the rain. Damn all the wet shoes and socks and umbrellas and uniforms and bags and people. Sometimes you really just need to sacrifice little things to catch up to the bright side of things.

P. S. Here's my wet shoes and socks. Long live! 

The Great Deluge of June 2025

I know the first reaction one might probably have upon reading the title of this blog: OA!!! Haha. Well, I won't blame them. "Deluge" seems to be a giant of a word to use for a sudden downpour that only lasted for two hours. Unless... The deluge I'm talking about was not the rain, but rather the thoughts I was pondering on as I carved my way through the puddles. 

Today was pretty overwhelming to me. I actually cannot think of a word that could describe what I felt while I was at work earlier. It's as if I swallowed my heart whole and I hear it's pounding in my ears. My face stiffened up and it's like my mind was in a haze. It was not the best of times but I carried on (as I should and always would). Everything was so hectic because it was the first day of the school year and I felt like I was in an endless cacophony. I felt like crying and throwing up. I was very, very, very overstimulated. 

For some reason, I made my way to the last period. After it ended, I just sat in silence while everyone was talking and moving nonstop. I felt like an injured soldier in a battlefield, one that lost all control in the five senses because of the fire barrage. My co-teachers just laughed at me and I laughed it off too. Made a joke of myself even. But I really felt suffocated and I just wanna go home. However, the skies had evil plans today so when it's time to go home, it rained like crazy. Instead of going home and enjoying my peace, I got stuck in the warzone for two hours. Felt like crying but carried on, as usual. For two hours I tried to keep up with my colleagues and pretend I'm normal. I think I did an okay job with it. Not good, just okay. Once the rain got a little less aggressive, we decided to go home. 

As I walked through flooded streets, I can't shake off my mind away from my burden. The skies were heavy, but boy, oh boy, my heart weighs heavier. I just wished that I could tell this burden to someone once I get home. Upon going home, I saw my dog and my boyfriend and they looked so happy to see me. I hugged them as I went it and felt a little relief from my thoughts.

Ever since I got home, I was trying to find time to seek comfort from my boyfriend. Before, when I'm having a bad day, he was always there to cheer me up and to comfort me and to tell me everything's gonna be alright. He always reassured me. I like to call it "baby time" haha because I like to be babied. As strange as it may seem, when I am overwhelmed I like to be babied because I cry a lot during these times. I just want reassurance, head pats, and hot chocolate. Anyway, so I was looking for a time to be babied because this day was just simply too much. But, lately, my boyfriend looks so stressed and depressed. He's also sleep-deprived. The once steady rock and my strong-willed sunshine slowly withered into a flickering lamp light. 

Despite feeling anxious today, I swallowed my feelings to accommodate his. It pains me so to see him like this. I always tell him to be more honest with himself and accept that probably he needs therapy. I guess it was the husk of his former self that stops him to bend. He refuses to seek professional help. It gives me so much heartbreak to see his tired and disinterested face. I miss the times when I can depend on him emotionally. Right now, even though I'm not feeling great, I got to be strong because he's got so much to bear. I must carry the weight for the both of us. It can be exhausting, yes, but love gives one an extra push. 

And so I braved on against the current of the overflowing sewers, thinking about what to do with this deluge of anxiety and restlessness, thinking about the better days to come, yearning for years already undone. 

My Friday the 13th and Blog Name Origin

In contrary to the usual date that everyone seems to dread, my "Friday the 13th" is my birthday. I'm certain that this is just simple coincidence and for a person who does not believe in signs and portents, I should not dread this date. However, time and time again I am proven wrong as it seems to be an annual constant as it gives me either a massive headache or a memorable heartbreak to herald its coming. 

Too many instances may serve as evidence to my claim. One of the core ones was my 10th birthday where my dad whipped out his leather belt and hit me five times in front of my birthday guests just because I was baby talking with my younger cousin. We were playing dolls. Well, my dad wasn't really the best in handling his temper. Younger me wasn't able to understand his behavior but the adult me does now. It wasn't an excuse to the abuse though, but at least I know now that it did not give him joy to be like that. Anyhow, that's one reason why I hate my birthday. 

Another one was my birthday in 2022. It was during the pandemic. I was staying at my boyfriend's house. It was during the time where we were having a rough patch, like on the rocks. Real serious rocks. The breaking point kinda rocks. So, we had an argument but he still carried on with his work in his room (the dude's a professional--work comes first haha) while I went to their living room. I cried out there and I haven't felt so alone in years until that moment. I am an only child so mark my words if I say I felt alone, it's THAT loneliness. After his work, he went to me and we made up. I felt okay after that but, yeah, shitty things happen on my birthday. 

The most recent one was not exactly on my birthday but a week before. Yesterday was the most heartbreaking time since 2022. My boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding and I was this close 🤏 to kms. Hahaha 💀 Definitely not proud of this one but, yeah. Good thing my body's healthy so the wound healed so fast. Also, I just realized that kys takes a lot of energy. Midway I felt tired so I stopped. Good thing I didn't kms because by evening we made up. I'm not proud of myself and most of the time I'm angry at me but since I'm me, I just gotta carry on. I don't make sense anymore, right? Baliw ampota HAHAHAHA 

All's well that ends well. I still think my birthday's unique so I made it my blog name and URL. See our love-hate relationship? Haha 

Bye for now. :D 

P. S. This picture was from my 4th birthday at Jollibee, I think? Wala akong malagay na picture hahaha